The Past Is Hard To Forget
by pattz
Summary: How do both Rory and Jess cope with the break up? set just after the end of season 3, but without them talking at her graduation. i suck at summaries.
1. Rory

a/n: well, this is the first thing I have ever written, infact it was written at about one in the morning sometime last year when I spent all my time writing in a journal.

So I hope you enjoy..

**____________________________**

**She hated being left with nothing to do.**

If there was nothing to do her mind had time to wander, and that usually meant thinking about the surly looking boy who invaded her subconscious without her permission. At first she's tried to block the memories. She didn't want to remember the way he ran his fingers through his messy hair to get it out of his face, or his slightly lopsided smile that she'd always loved to see him wear. But after a while she worried that she would start to forget; forget the little things that only she would notice- the way he raised one eyebrow when he'd won an argument or how he would blush slightly whenever she complimented him. She didn't want to forget, but it hurt too much to remember.

It made Rory feel abandoned.

She decided to go outside, the sun was shining and the heat always relaxed the muscles in her shoulders. But soon she realised that her mind was still free to wander and she began thinking about how his strong, bare arms looking in the sunshine, how his slightly tanned skin was so soft but hard under her fingers. Or the days where they'd curl up on a bench in the square, books in hand. She knew how dangerous thoughts like these were, and she didn't want to pine for him. She wanted to prove that she was strong as well, though deep down she knew that this facade wouldn't last. She could already feel part of her falling apart, like without him she wouldn't, no couldn't, keep herself together.

It made Rory feel weak.

Once again she found herself contemplating what he was thinking, what _he_ felt- if anything- about what had happened between them. Did he blame her or himself? Or was he already too busy moving on and had already forgotten about her? She shook her head to dispel that thought; she didn't want to believe that it had all been a lie, just something to pass the time and that he'd never felt the same way. That concept was just too painful.  
She had tried to write to him, had written his name at the top of the page hundreds of times, but she'd never found the words to go along with it. She knew the truth, in her mind she could clearly see what she wanted-the truth she knew, but the truth that wouldn't grace pages. She'd even tried to call once or twice, but each time she heard his voice on the other end of the line her heart would race, her mouth would dry up and she'd forget what she had to say all over again.

It made Rory feel stupid.

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- a/n there will be a second part from Jess's POV.


	2. Jess

He'd never really thought much about his future. People had asked, quizzed him about what he wanted to happen, but he had never really had an answer. He remembered the night, it felt so long ago now, when she'd asked him the very same thing. He'd nonchalantly told her the same thing he told everyone else- he would do whatever, whenever he wanted. His dreams were so different to hers, she knew what she wanted to do, and was working hard to get there, but all he wanted was to be able to be free. Which was something he didn't feel right then, but it was nothing to do with his future this time, it was his feelings that kept him trapped, feelings he wasn't used to having.

It made Jess feel scared.

Of course he would never admit to that though, he didn't let anything break through his tough guy, 'I couldn't care less' act. That was his shield to keep him from getting hurt. Not that it was working much anymore. It was her, she had torn down that shield of his, and had left him vulnerable- something he really did not enjoy being. Maybe that was why he had left, he couldn't handle someone else having more control over him than himself.

It made Jess feel lost.

He could still remember everyday they'd shared; well he should do- he had spent every waking minute going through it all in his head- trying to make it end the way he wanted. But it never did, it always ended with him, alone and sleeping on the spare mattress at his father's house. He wondered what she was thinking, what she felt about how they were now. Did she still blame him? Surely she did, as he still blamed himself. He'd wondered a few times whether she had moved on, though he had always tried not to believe that- the concept seemed to make everything a lot harder to bear. He'd wanted to contact her, let her know that he still thought about her all the time. But he felt that admitting that was weak, and the more time that passed with no contact on her part, the more he felt like he'd been forgotten. He had even tried to go back one day; he'd just hopped on a bus and headed back. But two stops down the line he remembered how painful the feeling of rejection was, how much it could cripple him, so he'd gotten off and walked back.

It made Jess feel worthless.


End file.
